


heavy heart

by catastrophes



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Exes with Benefits, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-12 00:07:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16862569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catastrophes/pseuds/catastrophes
Summary: wherein exes daniel and seongwoo accidentally run into each other at a bar, and find themselves in an unlikely arrangement





	heavy heart

**Author's Note:**

> [For ticket: #21] This is un-beta'ed so all grammatical errors are my own! Also, there is a POV switch.

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel thought he was completely over it—over _him_.

It used to be overwhelming, the way that everywhere he looked, everywhere he turned, Daniel would be continually reminded of Seongwoo. 

Walking past the restaurant that they had frequented when they liked to pretend they were fancy, the taste of alcohol from when they had drunk copious amounts of wine at 2am—laughing and red faced, the bookstore where Seongwoo used to drag him in order to scour the latest poetry books, the gym where Daniel would force Seongwoo to exercise with him, or even just sight of peaches at the local grocers, after Seongwoo had constantly nicknamed him as such—

But ever since their break up several years ago, Daniel has since shifted out of that neighborhood, patched up his bleeding heart, and moved on.

So—

Daniel wasn’t expecting his insides to twist so fiercely when he sees the man himself, sitting right there in front of him. They’re in a private bar, on the outskirts of Gangnam-gu, far from the local ddeokbokki store where things had ended between them after Seongwoo’s graduation. 

“Seongwoo hyung,” Daniel says, thankful that his voice sounds calm to his ears especially with the way he almost forgets to breathe, considering the other male is clad in a tailored suit that fits like a glove, and his features have grown even more handsome, if possible. “It’s been a long time.” 

“Daniel.” Seongwoo blinks rapidly, as if he can’t believe the sight before him. “You look different.” Seongwoo’s hand reaches out as if to almost touch Daniel but it stops at the last second, falling down to the bar top, to wrap tightly around his glass instead. “Your hair is black now.” 

Daniel pats the strands with his right hand, self-conscious despite knowing it’s the best he’s ever looked. It’s hard not to feel like Seongwoo’s eyes are judging and cataloging every inch of him. “Yeah, the blonde was a little hard to maintain after college.” 

The amber liquid in the glass swirls as Seongwoo’s hand flicks. “That’s a shame, I really did like the color on you—” Seongwoo stops himself, wince on the face. He hesitantly continues, “Sorry, I’m probably not allowed to say things like that anymore, huh?” 

Daniel shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He swallows down. “It’s not like it’s something I didn’t already know, especially with how often you used to tell me I looked like your— _a_ sunflower.” He plays off the slip of tongue, with a forced chuckle. “But yeah, guess things change.”

The moment Daniel utters the last phrase, it’s almost like a filter pours over Seongwoo, eyes shuttering a little and a hint of bitterness taints the air around them. Seongwoo sighs, before he downs the rest of his drink in one swift motion, adam’s apple bobbing. 

“You’re right, of course we can’t stay the same.” Seongwoo’s answer is stiff, and a bit closed off. 

Things have indeed changed. They are both obviously older than they were, less naive, more experienced. 

They’ve both created lives after college for themselves, without each other and Daniel has completely moved on from being enamoured with Ong Seongwoo, his senior by just one year who had everyone under his thumb—though had chose _him,_ Kang Daniel.

However, Seongwoo had also been the first one to have suddenly said, “ _I think we should end this,_ ” back then, and Daniel being Daniel, having always thought he’d already been pushing his luck, couldn’t bring himself to beg Seongwoo to stay beside him.

He had _some_ dignity leftover after all.

Daniel instead had only been able to reply quietly, “ _If that’s what you really want_ ," at the time despite the way that the six initial words had splintered him internally, and he’d simply allowed Seongwoo to disappear out of his life.

Last he heard, Seongwoo had been in and out of Japan for work, and so busy that Daniel never had the opportunity of bumping into his ex-boyfriend which probably did help with the so-called moving on process. 

Because, Daniel _has_ moved on. 

Really. 

Thus, Daniel should have taken this run-in at face value, said ‘ _It was nice seeing you again_ ,’ and returned to his friends and to his own life, but instead, for some illogical reason, Daniel signals to the bartender to order them both new drinks as he claims the seat beside Seongwoo. 

Seongwoo tracks his movement with a guarded expression, but he doesn’t say no. 

Maybe it’s because of the way that that Daniel comments kind of provokingly, “No hard feelings, hyung. We should have a drink together for old time’s sake. Catch up a bit,” in a way to prove he’s fine to see and interact with Seongwoo again. 

Sure, Seongwoo initiated the break up but Daniel agreed to it, and is over it, right? 

Seongwoo tilts his head, like a curious cat, as if to question Daniel’s motives, but before they both can regret the action, Seongwoo’s lips curve slightly to accept the drink, to jump in heart first, head last and Daniel is immediately reminded why he had fallen so hard in the first place.

Reminded of the way that Seongwoo would smile back at him, when they were lying tangled in the sheets on a lazy Sunday morning, never failing to be highly amused at Daniel’s endless stories and ridiculous anecdotes about that one youtube video he watched the day before.

Reminded of the way they had spent their time together, absolutely head over heels—completed with morning, afternoon, and nightly kisses, all filled in between with roaring laughter and inside jokes, and Daniel had thought, nothing could ever be better than that. 

It’s always been like a magical spell, a strong hold that Seongwoo never failed to have—still _has_ over him that Daniel could never resist.

And this is probably the exact reason Daniel finds himself in this surreal position.

Daniel can now make out the dark smudges that paint under Seongwoo’s eyes and he’s noticed the way the other male has shredded up a napkin into tiny little square pieces—restless fingers, the biggest tell tale sign to Seongwoo having a tiring and stressful day. 

On these sorts of days, when they’d first met, Seongwoo used to smoke, a coping mechanism in order to alleviate his numerous anxieties. 

But after they had begun dating, Seongwoo had kicked the habit, becoming most pliable to Daniel and the way that Daniel would occupy his lips instead, and now, it makes him curious to know if Seongwoo remains the same Seongwoo he used to be in that regard. 

The memories suddenly fill Daniel with an unrelenting hunger in wanting to cup Seongwoo’s face in his hands, to kiss away all his worries again like he did back then, but he tries to quash it down because he knows that it’s just all nostalgia and familiarity coming back to haunt him.

Seongwoo is not Daniel’s anymore, has not been his for a long time now, and was perhaps never supposed to be his to begin with. 

Daniel shouldn’t even be contemplating such an action.

Because things have changed.

So, why then, does it feel like _nothing_ , has changed despite it all, when they soon fall back into old habits—falling into each other again, easy as pie, even though Daniel knows for the sake of his poor heart, he should make a run for it, back to the safety of his Ong Seongwoo-free existence?

Especially since Seongwoo is charming as ever, and knows how to work a conversation.

They talk about everything, but at the same time nothing of importance. They skirt around the subject of the break up and surprisingly, Daniel doesn’t feel the anger, nor disappointment that he probably should be feeling.

Really, Daniel should want full closure, rather than want Seongwoo again.

He’d be stupid to want Seongwoo again. 

Daniel should know better.

Because things have changed. 

So, why then, instead of going home alone, does Daniel soon find himself leading Seongwoo by the hand, out of the bar and into a cab with him?

Why does it feel like nothing has changed when Daniel soon finds himself plastered against Seongwoo on the closed door of his apartment, and Seongwoo is kissing him back exactly in the same way that he used to do so—passionately, fervently and licking hot heat into his mouth? 

How Seongwoo knows exactly how to reduce Daniel into a needy, desperate mess again, eager for anything the older male deigns to give him? The logical part of Daniel’s mind must have completely shut down, to ignore the fact that he’s kissing his _ex,_ merely revelling in how good he feels _._

More importantly, how good he wants to make Seongwoo feel. 

Wants to be the person that helps Seongwoo forget everything that is troubling him right now. 

And wants them _both_ to regret the decision they made years ago.

As if to read his mind, Seongwoo pulls back, fingers gripping Daniel’s shirt. He insists, “Daniel, we can’t—go back to what we were.” 

The words should have made Daniel come to his senses but all he can do is zone in on the warm puffs of Seongwoo’s breath mingling with his own, from where they are still standing so, so close, and the awareness of desire, hot and curling, deep in his stomach. 

“Why not?” Daniel mutters the question against Seongwoo’s lips, skimming his hands over every part of Seongwoo he can reach. He’s missed him— _this_ , so goddamn much. “We were good like this,” Daniel punctuates it with a lift of his hips, grinding up onto Seongwoo. “Can still be.”

Daniel is smarter this time, because no matter what happens, he won’t fall in love with Seongwoo again.

Well, that’s what he tells himself.

(However, what happens if Daniel never actually fell _out_ of love?)

It’s hard to tell what Seongwoo is currently thinking, always equipped with the best poker face and Daniel gives up trying to decipher the hidden emotions and merely lets his hands settle around Seongwoo’s lithe waist to bring them even closer.

It’s almost filthy the way they are now essentially rutting against each other, in desperation but Daniel can’t get enough—can’t get enough of Seongwoo after missing every thing for so long, and judging from the way he can feel Seongwoo clutching him tightly, it’s the same for him as well.

Seongwoo moans, a tiny little breathy sound that zings pleasure right through to Daniel’s toes. 

Seongwoo then manages to get out, “We shouldn’t. There’s just too much history between us—” but then he pauses to moan again when Daniel scrapes his teeth along the tendon lining along the beautiful column of neck presented before him. 

Still sensitive there. 

Good.

Daniel can tell that Seongwoo is close to caving, from the way that he can feel the other man’s heart racing, to the way that he gasps, eyes fluttering shut; so Daniel murmurs, “This doesn’t have to mean anything. I just want to make you feel good tonight.”

There’s strong conviction to his words, as if he wants to convince his own self of the sentiment too, and well, if both their brains were going to try to give them rational answers as to why this is the _worst_ idea ever, the way that they kiss and kiss and kiss each other, burns away any excuse.

Daniel cups Seongwoo’s face like how he wanted to earlier, thumb sweeping over the set of moles that he’s never ever been allowed to forget—the ones that he used to deposit kisses right over—before he hears Seongwoo finally whisper, “Okay.” 

Next thing they know, they’re pulling each other’s clothes off, mouths landing on every single inch of newly bared skin. 

Seongwoo always had the prettiest canvas to work with, pale and smooth with just the right tinge of pink flush, especially after he’s been worked up, and Daniel is happy to mark even more redness into the soft flesh.

Daniel takes in the sight before him—Seongwoo who is now lying flat on his bed, looking back at him with hooded eyes. 

It’s a far cry from the shitty mattress that he used to have back in college, since Daniel has a nice job and can afford higher thread count sheets now, though he wishes he’d had the foresight to have changed it to the other silk ones he owns, because that’s what Seongwoo deserves. 

But no matter what, the way his dark hair is nestled over the contrasting ivory white, Seongwoo is _gorgeous_. 

“You’re not with anyone right now?” Daniel has to ask.

Seongwoo makes an indignant noise. “You think I’ll be doing this with you right now if I were?” 

“Just checking!” 

The old Seongwoo had always been too morally upright to ever have considered cheating, but the point is whether the current Seongwoo is still the same— 

As the thought flits through Daniel’s mind, Seongwoo reads him, to purse his lips and send him a petty pout, which immediately makes him look infinitely younger, back to his college aged self again. 

Just like the Seongwoo he knew, and once had. 

Something shifts inside of Daniel, like a spark that catches alight again—embers that were obviously still lying there dormant within him. He wishes his heart would stop racing, but it just beats even faster when Seongwoo tugs Daniel, flipping their positions to straddle Daniel. 

Daniel swears under his breath at the surprising move, especially when their lower halves rub against each other when Seongwoo rocks his hips slightly, back and forth, eliciting friction between their bodies. 

“There’s only you,” Seongwoo breathes out. “No one else.”

Daniel had expected to take care of Seongwoo tonight, but he’s left at the mercy of the other male instead and can only be swept up in the tide of pleasure that crashes over him when Seongwoo leans over to press a kiss on the mole on his upper thigh, another over the corner of his hip bone, before trailing along the ridges of his pelvic v-line to lastly, wrap his lips right over Daniel’s dick.

“ _Fuck_.”

Daniel can barely even think anymore when Seongwoo hollows out his mouth, twirling his tongue over the slit on the crown of his cock, just the way he knows Daniel normally likes it, and moves to fist his hand over the portion of length that can’t fit into his mouth, jerking Daniel off in sync.

It’s crazy how quickly Daniel reacts to Seongwoo, feeling all the pieces of old fall into place again.

But just before Daniel can even think about coming, Seongwoo eases off and casually moves up to swallow the needy cries that would have continued escaping Daniel’s mouth with his own lips, allowing Daniel to taste the residual of his own precum. 

It’s salty, but also mixed with something infinitely sweet that is Seongwoo’s own special flavor. 

Daniel’s favorite.

Despite the time apart, Seongwoo is still a _tease_ , having always pushed Daniel to the brink before pulling away to leave Daniel panting for more—this isn’t the first, nor the second, or even the tenth time that Seongwoo has left Daniel gripping the sheets and cursing his name like this.

The kiss they share together now isn’t chaste, nor is it the romantic ones that used to haunt Daniel’s dreams post break up. 

It’s more like a deep branding, the way their tongues stroke and dance together, as if Seongwoo won’t let Daniel attempt to ever forget him again—first, it’s hard and emboldened, then next, it’s soft and sensual, but it’s all filled with the same familiarity that has Daniel groaning. 

Daniel can feel his own dick still twitching, hard and throbbing, eager for that release that had escaped him, and he’s practically whimpering.

“Hyung, I need—”

“I want to fuck you tonight Daniel, is that alright?” Seongwoo interrupts bluntly.

Daniel’s head spins. 

He wants to say no, only because he, himself wants to fuck Seongwoo right back and get rid of this incessant ache of need that torments him, but more importantly, because it’s been so long since he’s allowed anyone else to have that intimacy of being inside of him.

However, because as always, he’s weak willed for Seongwoo and anything his hyung wants, Daniel can only merely grind out, “ _Please_.” 

It doesn’t take long for Seongwoo to prep both Daniel and himself, knowing exactly the way that is the quickest to get Daniel ready after their previous numerous encounters with each other. It’s scary how they’ve fallen back into familiarity so easily, without even needing active prompting. 

But simultaneously, it feels so deliciously good that Daniel can’t complain, and is one hundred percent, completely on board. 

He wants to be selfish—

But how can Daniel deny Seongwoo what he wants, when he knows exactly how lovely Seongwoo’s face looks when he’s riding astride Daniel: jaw slack, mouth open into an ‘o’, eyes glazed and looking obscenely good as he slides deeper every time, just like the way he is now? 

Daniel is delirious, only able to repeat Seongwoo’s name in a litany of praise, like he’s the only god Daniel’s ever known.

It’s both agonizing, _and_ a sense of satisfaction, being filled with the clear awareness whilst they’re wrapped around one another again as if no time has passed, that as much as Daniel is under Seongwoo’s spell—it’s seems exactly the same for Seongwoo himself. 

Daniel has returned to exactly where he belongs. It’s that same somewhere, where Daniel had wished and hoped he’d forgotten, only because of how perfect it was, and how he thought he would have never been able to grasp it again.

Until now.

Seongwoo’s slender fingers curl back around Daniel’s cock to grip firmly, stroking him in tune to his own thrusts and Daniel’s blood quickly runs boiling hot as he feels the pressure building, and building before the dam finally erupts, for him to spill all over his own stomach, chest heaving. 

It takes him several moments to come back down from his high, though it’s still hard to think straight when Seongwoo pulls out, just to push right back in again. Daniel is so hypersensitive and Seongwoo is _everywhere_ , so much so, he could cry out, again and again. 

And it’s not long before Daniel knows that Seongwoo is about to come himself—all the usual telling signs like the way the rhythm of Seongwoo’s hips goes erratic, the way he buries his nose into the crook of Daniel’s neck, and finally the way that he just says Daniel’s name in the lowest tone, raspy and syrupy sweet, like he’s savouring it in his mouth. 

When Daniel manages to find the voice to command softly, “Come now,” Seongwoo complies, climaxing hard as Daniel tangles their fingers together, squeezing down firmly to let Seongwoo know he’s right there, always on hand to give a lifeline when Seongwoo finally lets himself go. 

 

 

 

⋰

 

 

 

Seongwoo picks up his shirt. He woefully notes that it’s crumpled and missing two buttons, from where Daniel’s eager fingers had manhandled it. 

It used to be easier when all they wore were ratty t-shirts, or at best, nothing at all in the suffocating Seoul summers.

In a parallel universe, one where him and Daniel hadn’t broken up, or hadn’t even dated previously—Seongwoo could have just worn one of Daniel’s to head home in, but unfortunately he’ll have to make do with his own ruined shirt since he doesn’t really have plans to see Daniel again.

_This_ hadn’t been in the cards at all. It was the furthest situation Seongwoo could have even imagined would haven taken place when he’d first stepped into the bar, arriving mostly with the intention of just having a nightcap by himself in order to unwind after a stressful day at work.

Seeing Daniel again however has now unearthed all sorts of buried emotion that Seongwoo thought he’d long sorted out, and meeting Daniel more in the future would just blur all the lines that he has created for himself since their initial parting.

Therefore, Seongwoo should really leave.

“Where’re you going?” Daniel’s voice is hoarse, from the way that he had repeated Seongwoo’s name moments before, and in the darkness, Seongwoo can barely make out his features. But it’s not like Seongwoo needs any light to remember ever single one, stamped in his brain. 

It takes every fibre of his body not to return to Daniel, and to just continue putting his clothes back on. 

Seongwoo would like to think he’s become stronger. Daniel used to be his one weakness, something he thought he fixed after their break up, however unfortunately it looks like the distance hasn’t changed it—just dampened it down.

“I’ve got an early start,” Seongwoo answers quietly. Well, it’s not a lie. 

“Right,” is all Daniel says.

Seongwoo’s gaze flicks up.

He’s been so used to being able to pick out every emotion Daniel was feeling, since the other always used to be an easy read—but having expected Daniel to say something different, Seongwoo is being kept on his toes, unable to tell what Daniel is thinking exactly. 

“Daniel,” Seongwoo begins slowly, “I hope… you know that whatever happened between us tonight, it can’t happen again. You just caught me at a bit of a weak moment, and I’m not looking for a relationship again—” he flounders a bit in the deep end, struggling with his words.

“Hyung, I told you before this doesn’t have to mean anything,” Daniel interrupts calmly. There’s an enforced steadiness to his voice which Seongwoo doesn’t really believe in but he tells himself to grab onto it anyway, otherwise he’d drown by himself. 

“Uh huh,” Seongwoo says under his breath.

Daniel continues, “I’m not denying there’s obviously something between us still, chemistry like before. And I mean, I’m guessing you’re probably busy with work and I have been too, so, wouldn’t it be good to blow off a bit of steam like this every now and again?”

A pin could drop and Seongwoo would hear it in the silence following Daniel’s (absurd) proposition.

He sighs. “We’re exes, Daniel. You make it sound so easy to pick back up again.”

“But it _is_ ,” Daniel insists. “We’ve both moved on right? This whole thing will be just sex, getting what we need with no feelings involved. And really, it doesn’t seem like we’re become that different after all. You know what I like, I know what you like. See, easy.”

Seongwoo frowns. 

Hearing Daniel’s words, there’s a strange hollow that chisels inside him that he doesn’t know how to catalogue. He just chalks it down to having never expected Daniel to suggest such an arrangement, since the other had always been a romantic at heart. 

“We’d be good together like this, you know that,” Daniel cajoles further when Seongwoo doesn’t respond.

He’s uncertain why Daniel wants to put himself through this potential for misery again especially after what happened, but then the thoughts of being wrapped around Daniel immediately plants back in Seongwoo’s mind and he just remembers, vividly, how incredible it had felt. 

It’s probably the same for Daniel because he’s right, they’ve always flourished in this department. 

However, Seongwoo can’t seem to shake off knowing that this is a bad idea.

But then when Daniel climbs out of bed, and comes to trace the contours of Seongwoo’s face again, Seongwoo senses a nostalgia, so raw and so compelling that he can’t voice the rejection he has sitting on the tip of his tongue.

He can only just melt into another kiss that he feels, deep, right into his bones. 

Daniel knows his weakness, and he isn’t afraid to capitalize on it. 

Seongwoo forces himself to pull away, regretfully whispering, “I’ve really gotta go.” 

But he does pause just before he leaves Daniel’s bedroom and after a split second of further hesitation, Seongwoo digs into suit jacket for his wallet. Flipping it open, he takes out his business card and places it neatly on the desk by the door. 

His number, eye catching on the front. 

“Maybe… I’ll see you around then, Daniel.” 

Seongwoo turns back just in time to see Daniel’s lips curl into his trademark smile. He’s standing, illuminated by the moonlight now and Seongwoo feels his heart clench once from the picture painted and from the _want_ that so desperately fills him.

The want, that he shouldn’t be allowing himself to have.

“See you, Ongie-hyung.”

 

 

 

*

 

 

Soon, the days following their encounter begin to march past—

Seongwoo thinks that Daniel may have smartly changed his mind, especially after morning hit because he doesn’t receive any further messages or calls. Even though this was what he wanted, there is a part of him that is infinitely disappointed, especially after Daniel’s rather convincing spiel. 

However, he refuses to search Daniel up on any social networking site, despite the nagging craving to see Daniel again, reawakened.

He leaves everything in Daniel’s hands. 

It’s not until he’s half dead, working on his latest project deep into the night on a random Wednesday night, a few weeks from when they last met, when he finally hears his phone go off, jerking him out of the half-asleep stupor that he’s fallen into. 

“I _’m feeling lonely_ ,” is all the message says. Seongwoo notes the unfamiliar number. 

It’s not long before Seongwoo replies back.

_Me too_.

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

Seongwoo ends up making the same mistake, over and over and over again. 

By allowing Daniel to make him cum, over and over and over again. 

Time, after time after time again.

Don’t get him wrong, he also gets to make Daniel cum too, as they take turns to fuck each other, over weeks, months—helping to release all the pent up stress that is work related and life related, and Seongwoo knows it’s the greatest vice he’s allowed himself to indulge in recently.

Daniel somehow becomes a goddamn addiction again, and Seongwoo can’t help himself.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

Seongwoo gingerly unsticks himself away from Daniel, trying not to wake the other man up but Daniel doesn’t move—he’s that fucked out. 

It’s not even been long since their last meet up and Seongwoo wonders what the hell he’s doing. 

They contact and meet one another whenever they need a release, and like Daniel said, it’s simple—they are well familiar with each other’s likes and dislikes, and Seongwoo doesn’t have to think hard about how to please Daniel, or about what he needs to do next.

With Daniel, everything comes easily. 

There’s a countdown though, a ticking time bomb that can’t help but continue to be present in the forefront of in his mind. Despite the fact that Seongwoo knows this was supposed to be an agreement of convenience, they’re _both_ clearly aware that things aren’t quite okay. 

But it remains unsaid between them, and a sharpness permeates Seongwoo, like a knife stuck within his chest every time Daniel looks at him, and smiles like a promise; a promise that everything will be fine and that it doesn’t matter that both their hearts were broken once. 

Seongwoo knows it’s all just simmering. He has an apology to make but since Daniel hasn’t officially said anything further about their previous break up, nor talked about the future, Seongwoo isn’t going to test the waters by bringing it up himself. 

Because truthfully? He doesn’t want this to end. 

This purgatory that they’re in currently, he’ll still take it. 

Because Seongwoo was stupid once.

Seongwoo now tells himself that he shouldn’t care so much, that there’s no reason to question it all because why should he when he’s actually having regular no strings attached sex, and Daniel is seemingly agreeable to this mutually beneficial relationship. 

But the ache never goes away. 

Especially not today, because something had felt vastly different.

Their conversations used to not go any further than the quick pretend pleasantries before their clothes got rapidly peeled off and flung aside, or if Daniel was feeling especially talkative, Seongwoo would just distract him by sliding a hand up his shirt, copping a feel of abs.

But lately—

The relationship that Daniel and him has returned to having, has become so convoluted, and Seongwoo is unsure where they even stand with each other anymore. Seongwoo casts his mind back to the way that Daniel had cuddled up to him the other night, using him as a full body pillow. 

The way that Daniel had murmured into Seongwoo’s ear, asking him for his opinion about adopting a new cat and Seongwoo had answered promptly without any qualms before realizing that he _wasn’t_ supposed to be snuggling with Daniel, let alone be involved in such big life decisions. 

The way that Seongwoo, in that very moment, suddenly registered that even though they were meant to be in this very casual arrangement, it was never going to be such—purely because Seongwoo already knew Kang Daniel so much so, like the back of his hand. 

Seongwoo knows that Daniel eats more jellies than is healthy for his teeth, loves the tang of mandarins, but is deathly allergic to shellfish. He knows that Daniel loves skateboarding by the Han river, can kill the best beat with his b-boy moves, and just has the biggest heart one could ever find. 

And _because_ of that, Seongwoo also knows that Daniel can be a worrier at times, always wanting to please everyone, but he suppresses his negative emotions in the face of other people because he’d much rather be laughing and smiling and sending out positive vibes instead. 

He knows that Daniel is loving, and kind, and good, and brave.

Seongwoo _wasn’t_ supposed to know any of these things if he wanted to keep it casual. 

But he does which makes Seongwoo worry that he's going to break Daniel's heart again.

And, today—

The way they had sex, there had been something unnervingly slow and gentle about it rather than the usual fervour and passion. 

When Daniel had held Seongwoo’s thighs in his wide palms and entered him with such delicacy and patience, Seongwoo had wondered for a second why Daniel was acting in such a manner—as if he’d been trying to savor every last moment as if it was his last.

But Seongwoo had seen stars immediately after and lost his train of thought before he could contemplate it further.

Seongwoo comes back to the present, standing under the hot stream of water. He almost scrubs his skin raw. Not because he’s ashamed of what he’s just done, but because Daniel’s scent will be clinging to him all the way home, and Seongwoo would enjoy it too much. Far too much. 

He tries to hurry up, unable to help but wonder if it offends Daniel that he never stays the night, always opting to go back to his own apartment, despite the fact that it costs him a shitload to take a late hour taxi across town. 

There’s just _rules_ and _protocols_ to fucking your ex. 

  1. No overnights.
  2. No feelings.
  3. If all else fails, definitely no talking about feelings when staying overnight.



Because Seongwoo can’t deny it any longer—the way it’s obvious to himself that he never _actually_ got over Daniel.

And Seongwoo’s heart just pounds even more furiously when he slips back into the bedroom to see Daniel propped up again the headboard.

_Ah_ … he’s awake. 

Daniel would never have actively guilt-tripped him about leaving, but Seongwoo always finds it easier to sneak away without those puppy dog eyes staring back at him, and, or get lulled into those conversations about their day because it just ends up feeling far too comfortable. 

“You’re leaving?” Daniel’s sleepy voice floats over to Seongwoo. 

Even though he really should be heading out immediately, Seongwoo walks back towards the bed, under the guise of grabbing the belt that had been thrown by on the ground beside it. Sitting on the edge of the mattress, facing away from Daniel, Seongwoo threads the leather into his pants. 

“Yeah.”

He’s just about done buckling it up when he feels a pair of arms slide around his waist. Automatically, he can’t help but allow his traitorous body to sink back into Daniel’s embrace despite the fact that he’s already tried to leave once, and Daniel had lured him back to his clutches. 

“Daniel,” Seongwoo reproaches, trying (and failing) to be stern. “You have to stop doing this.”

“Why?” Daniel mumbles the phrase into the back of Seongwoo’s head, the question almost getting lost in his hair. Daniel’s lips track down the length of exposed skin before it hits collar. The question sounds almost vulnerable. But Seongwoo wonders if he’s hearing things, because Daniel just continues, more teasingly, “I don’t bite. Much.” He laughs loudly. “So, stay. It’s late.” 

This is the first time that Daniel has explicitly asked Seongwoo to stay and Seongwoo doesn’t quite know what to make of it.

Seongwoo wants to, so badly. 

He ignores it instead. 

“You’re insatiable,” Seongwoo scolds lightly as he bends down to slip his shoes on. “How is your stamina even more than it used to be?”

Daniel hums contemplatively, going with the subject change, obviously very used to Seongwoo’s quick diversional tactics recently. “It’s not my fault that yours has dropped. Guess it happens with old age, huh?”

Seongwoo twist around to gape indignantly. “You talk as if I’m fifty years older than you—” Daniel pounces on his lips and Seongwoo immediately gets lost in kissing Daniel again, lost in Daniel’s breathless laughter as he peppers Seongwoo’s face, jaw, lips again with more kisses.

Fuck, he really could get used to this.

“Ong Seongwoo, sugar daddy extraordinaire. Hmm, has a good ring to it and you know, I’ll be your best sugar baby.” Daniel pulls back to peer at him with dancing eyes, turned into upside down crescents. It makes his cheeks rise like apples, and Seongwoo thinks it’s Daniel’s best look.

But it’s also an expression he doesn’t deserve. 

If Seongwoo was exactly the same Seongwoo that he’d been when dating Daniel, he would have responded with a easy joke and fallen back into bed again without a thought—but he’s not, so he merely shakes his head and just disentangles himself from Daniel’s arms. 

“‘Kay, really gotta go,” Seongwoo quickly announces as he bends back down again to finish off the laces, but also to avoid Daniel’s eyes. He was supposed to only stay an extra two minutes, but it’s been two hours. He really needs to get out of here.

Daniel has this troubling way of making even their most casual encounters feel intimate again, like they’re back to dating and Seongwoo needs to draw the line somewhere because he can’t afford to let themselves get back into that situation.

“I promise I’ll let you just sleep, since you’re a boring grandpa. No other fun stuff, ” Daniel replies as he slides his thumbs through Seongwoo’s belt loops as if to trap him, and nuzzles his nose back onto Seongwoo’s neck. He’s like a fucking puppy, so clingy and always ready for love. 

Seongwoo lets himself indulge for another whole five seconds before he moves to stand up, and says, perhaps in a tone that is a tiny bit sharper than he intended, “I already said I better go, Daniel.” 

“Right. Okay, okay. Sorry,” Daniel says abruptly, hands quickly releasing. 

Seongwoo immediately regrets his actions and knows he should apologize because the way that Daniel is currently looking at him with hurt in his eyes is reason number one why he didn’t want to do this in the first place—but since as always, he’s a piece of shit, Seongwoo runs again instead.

“I just—” Seongwoo doesn’t know what to say again. He sighs and says quietly, “I’ll text you.” 

He’s just about out the door, when he finally hears Daniel reply.

“Maybe you shouldn’t, because I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” 

There it is. 

The inevitable separation again.

Seongwoo stops in his tracks, squeezes his eyes shut. There’s a tightness, like a vice around his chest, and the burn in his heart is stronger than he thought it would be, even though he should be happy that Daniel wants to end whatever this is since it shouldn’t have even started. 

They’re both silent for a minute, two minutes.

Seongwoo slowly turns to face Daniel who is now sitting on the bed looking tired and lifeless, shoulders slumped. The liveliness from just seconds before extinguished so rapidly and Seongwoo immediately hates the fact that he was the one to do that. 

He defensively reminds Daniel, “You were the one that suggested for us to do this, when I was ready to leave you alone.”

“Guess I changed my mind.” Daniel lets out a strangled laugh, running a hand through his mussed up hair. “God knows I’ve tried my hardest to do this exes with benefits thing, but I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I can’t stand the fact that you walk out every time without even looking back.” 

Seongwoo finds himself at a loss for words. Slowly, he tries to regain his tongue. “Niel, do you really think that’s what I do?”

Daniel picks at the duvet. “Can you blame me? I mean I know this was the deal we agreed on, but you always left me super fast, which I assumed was also the reason why we never really meet at yours. I mean it’s not…entirely your fault, I just… thought I could handle it better.”

“Wait—why then did you even think we could do this in the first place then?”

Daniel chews on his bottom lip before he settles on, “I guess I had a drink with you that night because I wanted to believe I was completely over you. But then somehow we just fell into this _thing_ —” Daniel waves a hand around. “And then, I figured maybe we could just do the physical part without more feelings getting involved—” The corner of his lip curls, a bittersweet smile. “If it was anyone else, I’m sure it would have worked.”

Seongwoo licks his dry lips. “So, what you're trying to say is that you do have feelings for me again?” The question almost gets caught in the tangle of emotions—both the bloom of hope and the intertwining fear that erupts in his heart.

Daniel rubs his neck, wryly saying, “I know it’s stupid of me to put it out there when I don’t even know if you feel the same way but—”

“But?” Seongwoo pleads for Daniel to finish despite knowing how much it’s taking Daniel to be so forward after everything that’s happened.

“I want to stop this exes with benefits relationship, Seongwoo hyung because I want to be completely in your life again. I don’t want to sneak around, or see you only at night, because I want to be the first person you come to because you’ve had a shitty day and be there for you. And not just because of sex—” Daniel pauses, residual nervousness still there in his words. “So, if you don’t think we can have an actual future together again, then I can’t do it any longer.” 

Seongwoo freezes, immediately experiencing that sharpness again inside of him, and he realizes that it has a name: _longing_. 

“Wait—Daniel, it’s…not that I don’t care about you, or don’t have feelings for you. It’s so, so, so far from that—”

“Then why not?” Daniel questions bluntly as he stares at him, eyes almost piercing and Seongwoo can barely even hold his gaze when Daniel continues to ask, “If you like me, and I like you, why can’t we date again? Tell me why at least.”

Seongwoo presses his lips together, before opening his mouth several times uselessly, trying to find the appropriate words. He moves to sit beside Daniel, feeling trapped by the anxiety coiling within him. “Our previous break up is the reason why we can’t get back together for real.” 

“That was then, this is now,” Daniel says firmly. “I don’t care about what happened in the past anymore.” 

“And that’s what I don’t understand! I completely fucked up back then, Daniel and I’m still sorry for that,” Seongwoo beseeches as he reaches out uncertainly to wrap his fingers around Daniel’s wrist. Daniel’s pulse point flutters under his thumb. “I don’t understand why you’d want to take me back even when I never explained why I wanted to break up with you.” 

Daniel closes his eyes for a moment. Opens them. “Fine. Maybe it’s time we finally get closure on why that was then. We were _good_.”

“We were—” Seongwoo agrees before biting the inside of his cheek, feeling utterly miserable as memories flood back. “It was incredible in fact. I mean, everyone told us we were relationship ideals but… honestly, that ended up becoming the problem. The pressure.”

Daniel is frowning, as if not quite grasping the entire situation but he stays quiet and allows Seongwoo to finish talking. 

“I just panicked because we were still so young, and we both had our careers and our lives in front of us and suddenly we were talking about settling, and we were both supposed to go overseas, me first, you later and I…just got scared that I was trapping you in this relationship.”

Seongwoo stops talking, when he sees an awareness dawning upon Daniel’s face. 

Daniel’s breathes heavily next to him, and Seongwoo can barely look him in the eye, but he does, because Daniel deserves it, deserves so much more than what Seongwoo can give him, and it’s almost as if the multitude of emotion that runs through him, reflects back. 

Daniel exhales, before he finally says, carefully, “So you decided to make that choice for the both of us—you thought you knew what was best for us without even talking to me about it—that breaking up with me was the best idea. And… when I just let you go, it validated the decision.”

The anxiety in Seongwoo’s stomach creeps up his spine. Seongwoo blinks, feeling wetness tangling his eyelashes. “I—uh, well, kinda yes? To be truthful, when you agreed to the break up so easily, I thought maybe you wanted to be let go so I never tried to contact you again.”

A bark of laughter leaves Daniel’s mouth. “It was the worst day of my life.”

“Mine too,” Seongwoo commiserates sadly. The pair of them, dumb as bricks. “In clear hindsight, I shouldn’t have run, should have talked it out with you.”

“Well, talk to me now. Why can’t we date again if it’s so clear that you didn’t actually fall out of love with me that day?” Daniel challenges. At the same time, he moves to slide his hand down which allows their fingers to intertwine. 

Seongwoo shrugs, a helpless lifting of his shoulders, but he still takes comfort in their connected hands. “I don’t ever want to hurt you again as badly as I did that day. So I’m trying my hardest not to let you come close again, but god, you make it so difficult, Kang Daniel.” 

“Seongwoo hyung, I just want to be with you—”

Seongwoo takes a deep, shuddering inhale. “Why are you so quick to forgive me? How can you want to date me again after what I did to you?” 

Daniel cocks his head to the side, thumb now stroking his first webspace. “But the thing is, it wasn’t just your fault. I shouldn’t have let you go without asking you _why_ , so I have almost just as much guilt as you for letting what we had back then disappear.” 

“Hey, no, don’t say that,” Seongwoo whispers, grasping Daniel’s hand tighter. 

“But that's why I don’t want to lose you again. We’re settled in our lives now so you don’t have any excuse anymore, and even though we may not know what happens tomorrow, next year or in ten years time, I still want to be with you all the way, no matter what.” 

Growing up, Seongwoo used to think that love was just trying to do what was right for the other person - but here, Seongwoo realizes that love can be so many different things; but most of all, love is _happiness_ and making an active choice to give each other a chance and to communicate.

“Ah, I want to be with you too, Daniel,” Seongwoo admits slowly. “That’s if we can fix this gigantic mess.” 

Daniel lips curve into the brightest smile at Seongwoo’s answer. “I can’t make any promises, but I think as long as we try, we can make it work.” He untangles their fingers to bring his hand up to cup Seongwoo’s jaw. “As long as you think we’re worth it because I do now, completely.”

“Of course we are,” answers Seongwoo, almost immediately and he can’t stay still and leans forward to capture Daniel’s mouth in his, in an unyielding kiss, licking his tongue on the roof of Daniel’s mouth. They kiss, and kiss for a long, uninterrupted moment until they break apart.

“I mean I know we’ve been together lately, but I’ve _missed you_ ,” Daniel breathes out. “The Seongwoo that tolerates everything I do, the Seongwoo that sucks at sports but will try anything I ask, the Seongwoo who is so beautiful and intelligent, and the Seongwoo who likes me back during the day as well.” 

The crinkles of Daniel’s eyes, and the curve of his smile makes Seongwoo’s heart beats steadily, a calm echo in his chest. 

“I’ve missed you too, Kang Daniel. The one that teases me, but also the one who has always been there for me no matter what.” The vice around Seongwoo’s ribs eases. “God, I’m sorry it’s taken us this long to actually talk about what happened all those years ago.” 

“Well, at least we’re in the same boat.” Daniel grins. “So, promise me that if you have any other weird thoughts about what you think is best for me, you’ll bring it up with me first? And if you do, I’m going to tell you, you’re dumb and we can just go watch another movie?”

Seongwoo’s lips turn up at the corner, unable to help from smiling. “Yeah.” 

“No more exes with benefits and you’ll stay the night, _boyfriend_?” 

Seongwoo nods, feeling his cheeks blush at the endearment label. He never thought he’d be in this position with Daniel ever again, but here they are, and it feels perfect. 

Their foreheads touch, and Seongwoo feels like maybe, with Daniel by his side, he doesn’t have to be so afraid after all. 

As long as they have each other. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> *** Happy early birthday to Daniel! :^) ***
> 
> Thank you to the mods who were so patient with me, and for all your hard work in making this fest a success. 
> 
> Prompter, I hope you don't mind that I changed up the prompt ever so slightly, and I really apologize for the fact there weren't as many smut scenes as you were probably expecting considering the trope. I was really worried with this piece bc tbh it's a total mess lol, but I do hope you (and everyone) enjoyed reading this at least a little bit. ♡


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